‘Both My Husband And My Affair Partner Want Me To Choose Them’

   

        I got engaged at 22 after moving for a great job opportunity. Got married a year later at 23, and now I’m asking for a divorce before our one year wedding anniversary. My fiance is a great person, very thoughtful, loving, and willing to do anything and everything for me. I thought I could be married because I know that I couldn’t find anyone who would treat me better than him. It seemed like the logical next step: Find someone who loves you and treats you well, and get married.

      But I wasn’t happy. I never wanted sex from him. He bored me and annoyed me and I never wanted to spend time together. We never talked about how I was feeling, just proceeded with life, co-existing. He wanted more from me but I kept pushing away, pretending everything was okay.

     Over Memorial Day weekend two of our friends came up to visit. “Jane” has been my close friend since high school and her boyfriend “John” and she have been on and off for 7 years. John and I crossed the line over Memorial Day weekend and had an affair for a month until my husband found out.

      My husband wanted to stay together but I couldn’t be married to him any longer. I asked for a divorce. He moved to stay with one of our best friends until he got back on his feet. I still struggle everyday with my decision and how to deal with it. I went to therapy myself and definitely am doing better but still feel so much hatred towards myself for what I’ve done.

      We had a close friend group of four couples and no one has disowned me, although my relationship with my friend who my husband is staying with has been damaged. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I also miss Jane as a friend but she obviously has no interest in forgiving me. My husband and I were having an amicable divorce until he and Jane started becoming good friends. Now they both just talk about everything I’ve done all the time.

     I’ve taken responsibility and full accountability for my actions and tried to apologize as many ways as I could. I know I can’t expect them to ever forgive me but I still want it. I’m still friends with my affair partner, John. He’s the only one who truly understands how I was feeling because he was going through something similar so we bonded over it. He knows I do not want to be with him, although he wants to be with me.

     What do I do now? How do I forgive myself after doing something so hurtful to my friends and family? How does a person know when it’s better to leave a marriage or stay in it because it makes sense? Should I still be friends with John?  It’s been six months now and the divorce is almost finalized but I still wonder about my decision every day.
 
AUTHOR- Samantha Rodman PhD